What do you mean I can't use my cell phone?
Last Fall as my daughter, my mom and I prepared for our much-anticipated cruise down the coast of California, I spent a lot of time imagining what the cruise would be like. Never having cruised before, I had no idea other than accepting that it wouldn't be anything like The Love Boat. (Funny story...the cruise ship showed reruns of the old series and no, not anything like the cruise we were on) My mom and dad had been on several cruises in the 80s, and Mom had vague, romantic memories of strolling on the decks with my dad, dressed in elegant clothing, nodding genteelly to other similarly attired people, like Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr in An Affair to Remember. She didn't remember how they got on or off the ship but thought they had climbed a rope ladder. I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest that my mom has never climbed a ladder in her life, let alone one of rope. She can't get more than a foot off the ground without getting dizzy, nor can she tolerate any swaying without feeling like she is going to pass out. Carousels are not for her and she can barely survive sitting on a swing. Once I reassured her that getting on board the ship would in no way involve ladders or ropes, she was free to worry about other things like seasickness and the breakfast buffet not having oatmeal. Then my daughter broke the bad news to her...she would not be able to use her cell phone while at sea. She loves her cell phone. She is never without it. It is always either in her hand or in her back pocket. She panics when it gets to 80% battery life. So when my daughter told her she could only use it while we were in port, she got this crazy look in her eyes.
Mom: what do you mean, I can't use my cell phone? Why not??? (clutching it to her bosom)
Jennifer: there won't be any cell coverage at sea.
M: why not?
J: no cell towers.
M: can't it run off a satellite?
J: is it a satellite phone?
M: maybe. (cradling it her hands and stroking it like Gollum stroked his Precious in Lord of the Rings)
J: it's not, Gramma, it's just a regular cell phone. It needs cell tower coverage.
M: and they don't have that?
J: where, in the middle of the ocean? No, they don't.
M: what if I get a call from someone? I won't be able to answer or call them back?
J: you won't get any calls at sea.
M: what will I do, then, just text?
J: you won't be able to text.
M: why not?
J: texting takes cell coverage.
M: ok, I'll just email.
J: you won't be able to email, either.
M: what??!! Why not??!! (she texts with multiple question/exclamation marks constantly)
J: no wifi at sea.
M: how is that possible??!! What if someone emails me? How will I email them back? (she is clearly horrified by the thought that she might miss an email)
J: when we get into port, you can turn your phone back on and retrieve all of your text messages and emails but you will have to remember to turn it back off the minute we leave port.
M: I never turn off my phone! Why on earth would I? (gazing solemnly down at it cradled in her hands)
J: well, you will have to turn it off while we are on the cruise.
M: I don't want to turn it off (clutching it to her bosom again, hand protectively over the off button as tho protecting it from Jennifer). I just won't answer it when it rings. I'll put it in my luggage.
J: it won't ring.
M: of course it will. I don't think you realize how many phone calls I get. Why wouldn't it ring?
J: BECAUSE THERE WON'T BE ANY CELL PHONE COVERAGE
I'd like to say the conversation stopped right there, but of course it did not. It just sort of looped back around on itself and was re-visited at least once a day, continuing while we were on board the ship. While Mom loves texting and emailing, she really doesn't understand how technology works. Magic, maybe, combined with wishful thinking and a positive attitude.
I am happy to say that my mom survived having no cell phone service and, except for one day when it was incredibly rough at sea resulting in all of us stumbling into walls as we maneuvered our way to the upper decks, no seasickness either. Someone had told her that if she faced the way we were sailing, the constant movement wouldn't affect her. I am not affected by motion sickness (knock wood) so can't attest to that being true, but whatever worked for her was fine with me.
I am also happy to say we all had a fabulous time on the cruise. Although my mom declined to get off at any of the ports, my daughter and I did and had a great time wandering around Astoria, San Francisco and Victoria. While we were all together on the ship, we played cards, watched shows, shopped and spent a wonderful evening watching the Movie Under the Stars, Alladin, on the big screen over the pool. Would I go again? In a heartbeat. Actually, I want to live on that ship and just cruise endlessly up and down the coast, stopping at ports of call, eating at buffets and having someone clean my room.
At the end of the cruise my mom sent me this text: A special trip...one of a kind! Made my 'end of days' special! Love you (followed by a winky face, prayer hands and, for some reason, a trumpet).
I like the concept of 'end of days', sort of like she is making a victory lap before retiring, which in a way I suppose she is.
